I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
You Might Also Like
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
all that yoga finally paid off
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool