*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
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Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
lol
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.