@pakalupapito: i’m not “cute” awkward. i’m “what the hell is wrong with you” awkward.
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@ashmensch: *guy getting eaten by a shark* Guy: I just wanted to say I'm Vegan. Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
@sublyfe2015: My mom handed me her phone to find me on Twitter... So I deleted her account, uninstalled the app, and told her it went out of business.
@protolalia: "Sorry, that was my bad." "Your bad what?" "No. I'm just sayin': Sorry. My bad." "You're bad at completing an apologetic sentence?" "Yeah"
@DannyZuker: Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it's a GREAT group photo.