Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
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Made something I’m not proud of
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
This January has 47 Mondays
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”