Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
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Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
This was a bad idea all around
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*