@TommyKarate: I'm no genius but I'm pretty sure Mexicans with anxiety have Hispanic attacks.

@Bez: When someone texts "whatcha doin" after midnight the appropriate response is "someone else" even if you're just eatin' pizza all alone.

@DurtMcHurtt: Wow, the guy buried alive with weed in his pocket must be rolling in his grave right now.

@trojansauce: [being held back from my burning house by firemen] get off me you bastar- MY VIN DIESEL BODY PILLOW IS STILL IN THERE

@E_lok44: "Have you tried putting balogna in it?" ~me, as a marriage counselor