Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
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Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.