“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
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M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Check out the legs on this baby
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28