“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
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[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”