“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
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Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
She: I like Cats
He:
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant