I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
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Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
So sick of all these stupid rules
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.