@vodkachrome: I'm not even sure I remember how to have sex without holding my phone.
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@ShutUpThatsWho: COWORKER: how old is our boss? ME: cut him in half & count the rings CW: doesn't that only work on trees? ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE'S 38
@robdelaney: The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
@samalmightysam: My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
@JediGigi: Me: You're such a good boy. Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.