Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
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I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.