@Jay1972Jay: I'm not fat. I'm famine proof.
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@longwall26: I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
@sock_holliday: [Doctor's Office] Doctor: The bad news is you have 3 months to live. Me: What's the good news? Doctor: You should make it til Shark Week
@Playing_Dad: I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
@JPHaddadio: Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.