I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
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Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
LMAO
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Why soy sad?
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god