I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
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*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.