I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
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You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Okey dokey.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Name another movie that mislead you?
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.