I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
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[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
The game has officially changed 😎
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.