[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
You Might Also Like
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.