*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
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I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
584.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.