I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
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ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
RT if you could go either way.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My biological clock is wheezing.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.