I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
You Might Also Like
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Did…did a minotaur write this
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park