@mdob11: I'm not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
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@caroline_umc: Ever been so completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
@VerbsRProudest: If I could time travel, I'd grab English major me in college & say, "Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class."
@squirrel74wkgn: UNZIP - ZIP UNZIP - ZIP UNZIP - ZIP UNZIP - ZIP UNZIP - ZIP UNZIP - ZIP UNZIP - ZIP *looking for condom in my "Beat It" zipper jacket*
@omically: Honey, I'm afraid we can't get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay. *looks at Xbox* Thank you sir. You've changed my life.