@mdob11: I'm not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
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@fatherofcomedy: People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
@wolfpupy: i won 100 dollars worth of chips at the casino, all i had to do was throw a brick through the vending machine glass
@Vodkantots: It's like my mother always told me, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." Then she said I looked fat.
@Michael1979: My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I'll be able to do karate if I'm ever in a fight.