“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
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The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!