@laurajennyjo: I'm not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I'm just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid
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@david8hughes: [interrogation] "How do u kno the deceased?" I was his drug dealer. "Louder for the tape?" [leans in] I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
@ajax06: My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn't believe in reincarnation either".
@smilely_gal: 5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl's.