*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
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If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”