@robfee: Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies. Under Obama we had 1. Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

@mydaughtersarmy: The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

@BlindChow: [1st moon landing] Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound Neil: Ok *steps onto moon* Neil: *clears throat* I'm a vegan

@gigglegirlnoel: Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

@funnybeachgirl: Friday night plans *break into plastic surgeon's office *put goldfish in the silicone implants *sneak away undetected *giggle like a maniac