I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
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My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
beware of dog
(jukin media)
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….