@mattZillaaaa: I'm not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
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@BuckyIsotope: [on first date] Yes I'll have the- *whispers to waiter* I don't speak French *points at menu* "The French toast, sir?" Yeah. 6 of those.
@LazyChank: Explained to my client that he shouldn't put "urgent" in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as "urgent urgent".
@hippieswordfish: [day 38 on the ark] NOAHS WIFE: we're out of food NOAH: don't worry, i have a contingency plan UNICORN: why are u lookin at me like that
@kentgrossarth: 'Pizza Hut, can I take your order?' Me: 'May I speak with the owl, please?' 'Who?' Me: 'Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.'