@mattZillaaaa: I'm not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
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@MaraWritesStuff: Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
@murrman5: [surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change [me who's always been a good tipper] you're welcome
@TitansHomer: Boss: John, tell me your greatest weakness Me: Honesty B: I don't think that's a weakness M: I don't give a shit what you think.
@MartaEffing: Decorating my xmas tree after a bottle of wine. Mixed up a box of candy canes with a box of tampons. Tree looks weird and I feel minty.