NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
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Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Vodka burrito was a success
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.