#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
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Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Same pineapple, same
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
this came to me in a vision
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.