@GaryJanetti: "I'm not good at goodbyes." I am. See ya.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Who ate all the cookies? 5-year-old: Ninjas. Me: I didn’t see them. 5-year-old: No one ever does. Checkmate.
@murrman5: [wife calls] did you write "make all the traps from home alone" on the calendar [me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] "no"
@JustinGuarini: The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance's baby is doing all day everyday day.
@CranalBeads: just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair