I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
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My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!