@TrolleyCat: I'm not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It's a group effort, bears.
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@drinksmcgee: Dog Lawyer: And what crime have you been accused of? Owner Defendant: Buying vegetarian "bacon" treats. *dog jurors howl in disgust*
@lasergirl70: My mom: "I'm going to wear your father's hearing aids tomorrow." Me: "You should wear them all the time." Her: "What?" Me: "Exactly."
@Mikecanrant: I like having fun with strangers in elevators by slowly moving my finger towards the emergency stop button while maintaining eye contact.
@meganamram: I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though