I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
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My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
😎 🍻
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
When someone says you are so lazy
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”