People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
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“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
relationship goals
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.