Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
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Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast