i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
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If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
OKAY DAD
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again