I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
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If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.