I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
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my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Not messing around
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.