I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
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Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Okay me first
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!