I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
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My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.