I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
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SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.