@laurenlapkus: I'm not kidding Santa is waiting outside my house til it's "late enough" to go down my chimney
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@EndhooS: Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house? Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
@KevinFarzad: Before college I didn't have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
@LeiaMarieG: My kid's insults to each other: "you have fat lips like Momma." "well, you have a big butt like Momma. Thanks, kids.