brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
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me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.