I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
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I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now