Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
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I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.