Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
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The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you