I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
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I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them