the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
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“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free