Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
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Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.