“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
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LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
bad news gang
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.