“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
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My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
You better watch out
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account