“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
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Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.