I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
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am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword