I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
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Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
yall want some gasoline milk
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker